


Jasper Leaves Yelp Reviews

by gimmeshellder



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: CAPS LOCK SORRY, Gen, humor but also kinda not, if you were wondering what the next step is in Jasper's development look no further, we are all is be are is alienated consumers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26491450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gimmeshellder/pseuds/gimmeshellder
Summary: JUST WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 46





	Jasper Leaves Yelp Reviews

**Author's Note:**

> listen leave me alone i'm having fun

The Sturdy Table -- 70 Reviews

_Vegan, Health Market_

**THE STURDY TABLE IS A HIVE OF MEDIOCRITY**

YOU IDIOTS HAVE THE GALL TO SHOW UP FIRST IN THE SEARCH RESULTS FOR “STRENGTH” AND THEN DON’T EVEN TRY TO PROVE IT? WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME.

THE EARTHLINGS HIDING IN THIS DEN OF SHAME SHRANK AWAY FROM EVEN A LIGHT SPAR AND INSTEAD FORFEITED THEIR TINY CIRCULAR EARTH OFFSPRING AS A TOKEN OF THEIR COMPLETE SURRENDER TO ME. I AM DISGUSTED BY THEIR COWARDICE AND THE FACT THAT THESE SMALLER EARTHLINGS SPEWED SQUISHY SUBSTANCES WHEN CRUSHED ALIVE IN MY FIST. ALSO. SOME WERE COLD AND SOME WERE HOT. LIKE WHAT’S EVEN YOUR PROBLEM? PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT.

PS THE TABLES ARE NOT STURDY. EASILY CRUSHED WITH AN AXE KICK

☆☆

Power Smoothie -- 1,083 Reviews

_Juice Bars and Smoothies, Coffee and Tea_

**POWER SMOOTHIE? MORE LIKE DISGRACEFUL.**

THE LOSER AT THE COUNTER TRIED TO CAST SOME SORT OF EARTH SPELL WHEN I CHALLENGED HIM TO DIPS. PAPAYA-MANGO-VENTI-WHAT? TRY WORKING YOUR TRICEPS AS MUCH AS YOU WORK YOUR PITIFUL TINY BABY MOUTH. IDIOT

☆

Rival -- 882 Reviews

_Sports Bar, Pubs_

**I GUESS PEOPLE CAN JUST PUT WHATEVER THEY WANT UP HUH**

HAVE SOME DAMN INTEGRITY

☆

Ocean Town Training -- 82 Reviews

_Pet Training, Grooming_

**FINALLY SOME HONEST ENTERPRISE AROUND HERE**

INCONVENIENT LOCATION BUT DON’T LET THAT TURN YOU AWAY. MORE THAN WORTH CROSSING THE 16 LANES OF EARTH SHIPS TRAVELING AT TOP SPEED. CARLA TOLD ME I COULD HAVE COME IN FROM “THE STREET” BUT WHATEVER. IT’S NOT LIKE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEFEND MYSELF BY HITTING THE EXACT TOP SECRET WEAKSPOT ON ALL CAR SHIPS THAT DESTROYS THEM INSTANTLY (IT’S THE METAL PART)

CLEAN AND EFFICIENT BUILDING DESIGN. AIR IS ABSOLUTELY FULL OF OXYGEN. EVEN SOME NITROGEN IF THATS YOUR THING. ENTRANCE, EXIT, TRAINING AREA AND OBSERVATION DECK ARE ALL CLEARLY LABELLED. THE PROCESS FOR REGISTRATION AND CHECK-IN LEAVES NO ROOM FOR CONFUSION. CARLA IS A SUPERB COMMANDER. FOUR-LEGGED HUMANS WERE EFFICIENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC IN FULFILLING HER WISHES. THEY LOOKED SO HAPPY.

☆☆☆☆☆

Ocean Town Dog Training -- 84 Reviews

_Pet Training, Grooming_

☆☆☆☆☆

Ocean Town Dog Training -- 85 Reviews

_Pet Training, Grooming_

☆☆☆☆☆

Ocean Town Dog Training -- 86 Reviews

_Pet Training, Grooming_

☆☆☆☆☆

Ocean Town Dog Training -- 87 Reviews

_Pet Training, Grooming_

☆☆☆☆☆

Ocean Town Dog Training -- 88 Reviews

_Pet Training, Grooming_

**THIS IS AN OUTRAGE**

YOU THINK YOU CAN FORCE ME OUT OF THE OBSERVATION DECK JUST BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A DOG ANTHONY? YOU’RE NOTHING COMPARED TO CARLA. NO WONDER YOU’RE A WEEKEND MANAGER. SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR SUBARU

☆

The Pink of Wealth -- 309 Reviews

_Diamonds, Jewellers_

**CONTAINS ONLY WHITE DIAMONDS**

WELL LIT AND SPACIOUS. QUIET. ALANA WAS NICE. BUT THE STORE NAME IS EXTREMELY MISLEADING. RECTIFY IMMEDIATELY.

☆☆

The Pink of Wealth -- 310 Reviews

_Diamonds, Jewellers_

**ATTENTION MANAGEMENT**

IT’S BEEN A FULL 24-HOUR DAY AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T CORRECTED THIS NAME. HOW EMBARRASSING FOR YOU. CHANGE THE NAME AT ONCE. GLASS IS EASY TO BREAK YOU KNOW.

☆

The Pink of Wealth -- 311 Reviews

_Diamonds, Jewellers_

**IF I GIVE YOU MORE PUNY STARS WILL YOU FIX IT? IDIOTS**

☆☆

The Pink of Wealth -- 312 Reviews

_Diamonds, Jewellers_

**FINE HAVE ANOTHER ONE. YOU ABSOLUTE WASTE. YOU FILTH BENEATH MY BOOTS. YOU SPINELESS SCUM. CHANGE THE STORE NAME**

☆☆☆

The Pink of Wealth -- 313 Reviews

_Diamonds, Jewellers_

**PLEASE**

☆☆☆☆

Big Bay Fight Camp -- 110 Reviews

_Weightlifting, Boxing Gyms_

**GUEST PASS ONLY GOOD FOR 12 HOURS**

LOTS OF STRONG PEOPLE HERE WHICH IS NICE. LOTS OF COMPLAINTS BUT WHATEVER. IF YOU WANTED TO USE THE SQUAT RACK YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HERE BEFORE I STARTED. YES I AM STILL USING IT WHEN STARING INTO SPACE. NO I WON’T UNBEND THE BAR FOR YOU.

THEY MAKE YOU LEAVE AFTER AWHILE BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF CARS OUTSIDE TO LIFT

☆☆☆

Something Better Home Design -- 90 Reviews

_Renovation, Remodeling_

**WHAT EVEN IS A CONSULTATION. JUST STOP**

STOP ASKING ME WHAT TO FIX. STOP ASKING ME WHAT TO CHANGE. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. THAT’S YOUR JOB. HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT AND SAY YOU CAN’T REBUILD IF I HAVE NOTHING TO TEAR DOWN. HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU. JUST TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER.

☆

Tacos Sisig -- 3,997 Reviews

_Tacos, Filipino_

**WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME ABOUT TACOS**

☆☆☆☆☆


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